It has been a while since I’ve been away. I know that I promised that I’ll try to blog every week, but I was really really so busy with school that I don’t have time to even check out this space. I’m glad that I can have a little time now to come visit and pen down some thoughts.
People would always ask “a penny for your thoughts”. Well, I do have a few going around on my mind right now. Things that I don’t understand, things that I’ve seen, heard, that I don’t believe would happen happened. Much serious considerations? I don’t know how and why people make certain decisions but well, I believe if they’ve decided on it, they should then be responsible for its consequences until the whole course is over.
For a certain matter, I don’t understand how one would think that they would lose a friend but actually their friend has always been there, just standing by, looking to see if they do fall or stumble, so that he/she can then pick up the first person. It is indeed selfish to not look at this good point and focus on the bad, thinking that people don’t love you and being critical and skeptical about everything on earth. My thoughts are that we should learn how to treasure and cherish whatever that was or were given to us. Some gifts or opportunities doesn’t knock twice. Either you pick it up the first attempt or it’ll be gone. Instead of being all negative thinking bad about your friend, why not look at the bright side? I mean, years of friendship shouldn’t be forgone just like this. As much as your friend tries to be nice to you, you reject her and find her being closer with another and then tries to get her back. Well, I’m indeed confused with the mind of humans. How can we even be so difficult and complicated?
If he/she is truly your best friend, then they will understand your preferences, what you like and not. They will take into consideration, for instance when they are out to dine, they won’t choose a cuisine that you don’t eat and have you staring at them gobbling their food the whole night. Come on. Be real! What is so hard about communication? Tell me, seriously.
Yes, I’ve banged the walls a few times, get knocked down by miscommunication or get slayed by misunderstandings. It is common. If you don’t even meet with any of these problems, then you are not being real. You are being fake as a person in your character. Because everyone is created uniquely, we have our own likings and personalities, we have differences and there bound to be cracks or scratches when two distinct persons come together. This is not science, it’s not theory. It’s only human!
I feel so wronged when I’m deemed with the possibility that I will do something that my best friend doesn’t like to him/her. It has been years. Do I not understand you? No. Am I your best friend? Yes. Wasn’t I the one who used to be there for you when you are down in the past? Yes I was. So tell me, why do you even think that I will do something that you don’t like to you? I just don’t get it. And if you are afraid, then kill the fear, just be straight, tell me that you are afraid that I would ask certain stuffs and just be truthful. If I get angst and pissed over it, then I’m wrong. And I know I won’t. Because I respect you. Have always been the case.
But you made me feel so ignorant and distant. I know you have your commitments, I know I have mine. I know we are all working very hard to the very first visions that we have in our own lives, our goals to be successful in our due course of our individual lives. But still, I cannot accept the fact that you just assumed that I will force you to do things that you don’t like and instead go to someone else and tell him/her that you wouldn’t want to talk to me so much because you are afraid that I would just touch on that very topic.
Well, to you it might just be a comment or a feeling. To me, I felt unjustified. Commenting that behind my back is really not cool. You might think that now I’m getting all angst, well I could be even more but I choose not to. I keep telling myself that you are still my dearest friend and I can’t afford to lose you. I don’t know if it’s the same on the other end. But at this moment, I’m really not feeling it. Your change in character to becoming more and more sensitive, critical and skeptical is scaring me. I don’t know if I’m still considered your closest friend in your heart. I hate to be unsure but I am. I can’t lie to myself. I agree we all change from time to time in our lives as we go through different stages. But your change is scaring me. I haven’t been seeing you for a long time. I’m afraid of losing you, my dear friend. But what can I do? I won’t be the one that you’ll marry obviously, and if we are not reconciling and doing anything to improve our friendship. Let me tell you, we would be even more distant just before you know it.
My only solution is to hope for longer and more heartfelt replies when I text you. If you ever feel that I am bothering you, just let me know, I am sorry and I will never bother you again. Even if it breaks my heart not to text you or never to see you again, I would do it. You would ask me how can I ever do that, forget about you and move on with life? You are right. I can’t do it, I really can’t. The only motivation will only be your happiness. If you live happily after we cut off, that’s when I will do it and feel worthwhile. You would now think that I’m being very fierce and clear-cut and that I can give you up for anything. But you are wrong. On the reverse side, I know I can’t give you up as my friend and so I’m trying to draw back as much so that it won’t hurt so much, in case we really need to bid goodbye. Please never let me get to that stage. It would be a heart attack for me. I promise that will be my last resort ever, or never. And I always pray that it will never happen.
Because you’ve been an important part of my growing up years. We might not be as close as we are now as before, we both have families to take care of, to look after, goals to run for, to achieve. But I really hope that the child-like and innocent you would return. I hope that you will stop being so critical and complacent. I can say this to you so straightforward without going round the bends because I know I have many years of friendship with you and it is strong enough to sustain and the bridge will not fall. If you get angry over this, then over the past years, I’ve failed as a friend. I have not build up a real, strong and proper friendship with you. And if you ever get offended by that sentence, it means that our friendship is not as strong as before and that I will want to apologise for all the past years of negligence and I really hope that we can work our way back into being buddies. I really miss you. Please help me realise that you are back. No one can ever affect our friendship and no one can ever take away the old memories that we had together which were so vivid.
Lord, please strengthen this friendship once again. I pray for forgiveness to come into me, into the other person that we will just get together back again, connected as friends and we will just forget about all these bad changes that had come. Let us focus on less of ourselves but think of one another more. Yes we are older, yes we have our own dreams, we have our own thinking, but God, help us not to forget this little treasures that you’ve blessed us with. The ones we grew up with. The ones we used to love and cherish. The ones we used to spend hours daily with. Lord, never erase our memories. Only refine our attitudes, rebuild our character. Lord, help us to love one another unconditionally just like how our mutual relationship with You is. We pray for clear understanding and love to grow in our hearts always. Come and help us sharpen our sight to celebrate, enjoy and live the lives with the ones that You have prepared for us, to be with us.
In Jesus’s name, Amen.
Thank you Lord.
I feel so much better after talking about it. You might not even read this post. And I’m really okay with it, because I know that I’ve dealt with myself, my own attitude. I will not be bitter or angst but I will bless and try to work this friendship out with some actions. I hope you’ll feel the same way when you see the actions done.
God is a good God.
Never period, but always.
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.
It’s already so short and if I cut more out of my essay, I would feel that it becomes a really useless one, because it just touches on the theory which is the definition and don’t explain/elaborate the points. Just not a perfect one.
